Mask-off

Yes, I'm hurt. I feel pain and hurt inside me. Yet I still have to pretend to be normal and smile when I don't feel like it. Is it just because of my pms so feelings are getting on me? No, I don't really think so. This has been quite some time already, and God still doesn't want to bring me out of this. It's hard for me, really it's hard.

What did Jesus do when His disciples, or may I use the word, friends, betrayed Him?
He still loved them and prayed for them. He is so great, can take those feelings.

Was He not a human back then? Did he has no feelings?

No, I think He felt rejected and pain, too. Because He loves them so much, He felt even more hurt, I think.

Can I do just like what my Friend did? Ya, I wanted to pray for her, wanted things to be fine for her. I wish for the best, for her. But it's getting hard, it's getting really hard.
That day pastor talked about bitterness in church, settling issues with your brothers and sisters in Christ. Yes, I so wanted to. I tried. Though I didn't confront her upfrontly, but I tried. Small talks, showing my concern, etc.

But, ignorance was what I get in return.

It's getting really hard.

And I'm hurt.

You don't feel hurt when that person means nothing to you. But your heart is pierced when the person you care most hurt you, even maybe he/ she doesn't intend to do so. Maybe he/ she doesn't know that what they do actually affect you that much.

I was been told not to have expectations, just be there when she needs me. Ya, this is what I want to do. But it's still hard. I'm struggling with it.

I pray that we will come to a good settlement one day, and this one day will be soon. I hope I'll be brave enough to talk to her about it, if I really need to do so. Ah, I'm not that kind of person who will go and confront others, I don't know how to talk. Hopefully, hopefully.

I feel that I need to meet with expectations of others, though I don't really know what are the expectations. Ya, maybe just being a good girl, behave, cannot go crazy, must be gentle and caring, musn't have bad mood, etc etc. And I'm getting tired.

Sometimes, it's just... can't do it, can't meet the expectations. I hope for open communication between people, I hope that relationship between people is not so shallow, I hope that people will see me as their peers.

Was talking to a few friends these 2 days, one shared her struggles with me, another listened to my advice yet another gave me some advices. Ya, we live in a community, we need each other, we can't live without one another. And certainly support and encouragement from one another is very important for us. Still, I miss my seniors very much. Or maybe, I just miss the encouragement and supports given by them.

Girl, move on okay? God is with you.