Mixed feelings come crashing on me

I just got back my covenant card from NC '05. Reading the letter from Annette made me feel like crying. Ya, NC seems so far away. (Camp Cam seems as far, too) I still remember how I was touched by God and how He spoke to me in NC, how I took a 180 degree turn and start anew, how I was challenged to live for Him and honor Him with my life. But looking at where I am now, I really don't know how to gauge how much I've done for Him. I just feel so weak inside. What are happening nowadays teach me how to humble myself and turn to God. Only He can be my strength because I know that I can't take it anymore. I'm looking at Him and waiting upon Him. Still, I believe that I shall mount up with wings like eagles, and run and not be weary. Only if I wait upon the Lord. Only if I allow Him to take charge.

Also, I can't help myself but to keep counting my days left in campus. Writing this, I'm at the end of week 7. Coming will be week 8, then mid-semester break and CNY. When I come back to campus again, it'll be week 10 already, and I only left like 5/6 weeks in campus. Flashbacks on my very first time in USM keep coming back to me. First time sitting in the lecture hall, had my first lecture. And now, I know that I won't be seeing some of my lecturers teaching anymore. How many times more can I sit in the lecture halls and listen to lectures? During one my lecture, I was just sitting there and admiring my lecturer. Looking at her when she taught, what a sight! Sometimes when I was walking in the campus, thoughts and feelings will just come to me. Seeing the trees, the flowers, the buildings... these are the things that I can't bring on with me but I'll truly miss. I know I'm thinking too much, but this is really what I feel. I'll miss this campus so much! A place where I learned and grew so much. Now, I realise how this campus has protected us from the outside storms. I start to feel that the working world is a very scary place. This place is such a safe haven for all of us.

As for PKA, I know that it's time to pass on the baton to the juniors. Run, run for our dear Lord. Continue to make a difference in this campus. This CF has blessed me in many ways, and I'm sure that you'll be blessed, too. Don't complain that people do not talk to you, but come out from your comfort zone and start to care for others. It's only when we start to care and give ourselves, we'll be blessed and feel belonged. Don't complain that CF is not warm, but learn to play our part in it, we are the ones who determine whether or not it is warm or cold. There are so much more for everyone of us to learn. But we know that Christ is going before us, and He's been there. He shall be our encourager to shine on for Him.

I do not know how the graduated seniors felt before they left the campus. How I wish they can share their experiences with me. But I know that this is the path that I need to walk. And I shall fear not, because God is journeying on with me.

Anyone who is feeling like me, please raise your hands =) Sound quite blue today. But I guess this is part of the journey as well, to stop and reflect and re-focus.